By Dustin Driver

The locker room: A steamy, sweaty powder keg of competitive pheromones, vaporized testosterone and Old Spice deodorant. One false step and the whole place could erupt into a frenzied and uncomfortably nude fistfight. Locker rooms dredge up the awkward anxiety of early puberty, which often includes the unsettling memories of childish ridicule, towel snapping, wedgies, and the inevitable comparing of various body parts. Distant memories of ill-executed locker room etiquette are enough to put anybody on edge and transform the most refined guy into a nervous dolt.

So, let's review some basic locker room etiquette for the grown man. These simple rules will help you keep your cool after a workout or a game, and vanquish any lingering pubescent angst that could turn you into a total rube when the gym shorts come off and the showers start to flow.

1- Keep your eyes to yourself Nothing makes a guy more uncomfortable than some other guy leering at his nether regions. It's the No. 1 rule in locker room etiquette: Keep your eyes at eye level at all times. It's just a matter of respecting a guy's privacy. Failure to comply with this rule could leave you with a split lip.

2- Respect personal space Unless the place is absolutely packed, there's no reason you should be removing your skivvies on top of another guy. Take a few steps back and give everybody his space. Remember, everybody feels a little vulnerable and on edge when they're naked (except maybe exhibitionists or nudists or porn stars) around strangers. Being up close and personal will only make things worse. If your locker is in a packed corner, you'll just have to wait your turn.

3- Try not to be completely naked for too long If you're going to hit the showers, which we hope you do, after a hard workout, getting naked is unavoidable. However, if you're just changing from corporate wear to gym wear, try to change in stages; don't just strip down and prance around the locker room like a jackass looking for your workout shirt. Have everything ready and change one article of clothing at a time. If you're heading to the showers, make sure your towel is nearby and ready to do double duty as your manly terrycloth kilt.

4- Don't dally Get in and get out. In the evening, the locker room at your gym is probably crammed with sweaty guys who are just trying to get in and get out on their way home from a long day at work. They won't appreciate it if you're taking up space, dawdling, chatting or, worse, talking on your cell phone.

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